Ee Eng

Posted Tuesday, May 1, 2012 // 0 comments (+)

I've really got no choice but to come here in the middle of the night posting this now.
I kept on thinking what did I do wrong?
Just because you can't relate to my point of view, it became my fault?
I don't know why I feel that you're ridiculously selfish, you didn't spare a thought of how I felt all this while. I wonder what made me still believe we can at least salvage the friendship we have. I gave an option to be friends, it seems like you took away that option. Its only left with either we're together, or we'll end this once and for all. You told me your time is precious, so its my time. My time is precious too? So what if we're together? If it ended one day, we BOTH wasted our time. Be it your time is more precious or mine, we BOTH wasted it. In a relationship it takes two hands to clap, you told me that I'm someone that don't bother about anything and I'm selfish. If you remember the words you insulted me, how stupid, how pathetic I was.. and you mean it, I just wanna ask you why you're still here? If you're here because you love me. Why did you still treat me the same like other days? I told you to leave, but end up what I did? I was sick, I rang up the cafe and I still wanted to talk to you. No matter how much guilt and how much the scene was played back on my head on the 27th, I didn't put the blame on you, and I blame myself for it. And all you gave me was the smirk smile on your face. Sometimes things isn't funny, you find it funny. In your eyes, I'm stupid and stuff, all the negative comments you made on me. If you didn't know, I tell you now, it hurts me so bad and I'm very very upset. I like you, and I tried to take your nasty comments as a joke. I can take it as a joke the first time even when it hurts, second time, still fine.. But what if it continuously happen? I get angry, but I try to smile after that. I know you'd say that I hurt you too. I always mention that I'm sorry for the hurt I cause on you. I said I was not good enough for you, I insulted myself, and I cried.. I cried everytime because of the accusations, and the fear I have towards you, where were the you I know went to, and lastly.. will our friendship comes to an end if we make things ugly. I know you're perfectly fine of losing me as a friend, because in your eyes, I'm as good as nothing. Just because you feel for me, thats why you're still willing to stay by me this way. But its different for me, I take friends seriously.. And WE started out because we were once friends, I can't lose a friend that easily. As I always mention you were a good person in my eyes.. I don't know since when, you've turn into another person that I don't even know. We're always so near, but feel so far. The distant we have can never be measured. I know that if each chance I dial you up after a fight or when I ask you to leave, I'm giving you a chance to trampled me all over again. Because I know, the one that I know isn't here anymore. But still I don't wish to neglect my misses towards you, I dial you up. We met.. but what happened? We can never have a day without quarrel. You never lay your pride infront of me once, while for me.. I did. And I pathetically knelt down infront of you and cried. All the stuff that you've make me feel, its enough to sum up and hate you a zillion times. But I didn't. Even though I complain that you're not good and all, but I'm still here. Hoping that one day you'd understand exactly how much it hurts in this relationship.. It hurts not only me, but US. We might have a happy relationship if we didn't rush. We might not be quarreling now if we've take things slow.. It was wrong.. from the very first day I went over to your house.. It was not the sentence that I said that cause me in this state. Because I really don't wish you to leave. It was wrong because, we did it. If we didn't, by now we'd still be friends. Things will still be much more simpler... And of course, we'll be happier. As the days we're together, we've been quarreling every single day, WITHOUT fail. be it a big quarrel or a small ones.. we can never really spend a day without it. We both have strong character, we don't bow down, we don't admit.. but afterall, to you... I did, I did it to salvage.. to stop the quarrel and stuff. you didn't see the reason why did I insult myself till so worthless.. you feel that it was only right for me to do so. And I am so fine, as long as each time I can salvage it. Every night I fall asleep, I say to myself.. "Tomorrow will be a better day for us." The 'us' which refers to me and you. When I say that, I was hoping for you to change a little better, the faith I have in you was so strong, so as my belief towards you. What comes after that? Same old things happened.. You said that I'm always hiding.. Why will I open up to someone that I'm afraid, and why would I open up to someone that think that I'm useless and still waste his time on what I'm doing? I am so confuse with the actions and your words. When you grab onto my hand so tightly, when you pin me down on the sofa, when you make me so helpless and bite myself so hard on my hand.. ALL this don't hurt me so bad, because I know it heals. But the words that you said to me, is constantly on my mind.. It hurts me a million time, you make me feel so worthless as a human. You can choose to leave me if im that helpless like how you mention, but why did you said it infront of me? I've never said that you're useless, infact I always praise you, from the bottom of my heart. I only feel that you're emotionally weak, and thats it.. You might feel that saying all those things might agitate me and make me a better person. but it isn't going that way, you make me feel so inferior, so lousy, so sucky. You've hurt me emotionally so badly, and I can't imagine what you'd do to me next. You're always being paranoid of me doing this and that. If there isn't any trust, is there any love? People says, when there's trust, there's love. But you always tell me, you can't trust me.. I know, you're going to say its my action that makes you feel so. I am fine with it, because you're right. I've been hiding. Not hiding all those flirt stuffs, but hiding the privacy of me and my friends should have. Having a relationship don't means that I've to stop contacting my friend and end up losing my guy friends. Having a relationship don't mean to quarrel every single day and feel upset with each other and go to bed every single night with a fight. This is not a relationship that anyone will wish to have, not even ME & YOU. I'm still young, I might be immature.. You're old enough to know that whats right, whats wrong. And you'd have long know that this relationship is wrong right from the start. We didn't start out nicely.. at the very least.. we should end it nicely isn't it? I'm really sorry I'm such a girl that couldn't reach your expectation. I always give you insecurities, I was never understanding. I took you for granted and still hoping you to treat me good. But, I find that there isn't really a point to let us hold onto us as its really not working it out. You might not see it, but I seriously did try to salvage us.. in many ways but not directly enough that you might see it. Afterall, I know you're still a good man, and you'll always be in my heart. I thank you for loving me in a way that I can't relate whether it was love or was it a revenge that i've hurt you. In this blogpost, I did not re-read of what i type or edit, because I didn't want to. It's the first thing that i want to write in this post. It might offend you in many parts, but its just my point of views.. You might take it as nonsense, as you feels my words are most of the time. Either way, I will still let you read this. The very last thing that I've made up about us is that, lets end this before the worst come. If we could, we could start from scratch. but if we couldn't, i just hope that our friendship stays. My birthday coming in one day time, my wish stays the same.. I just want you to be happy.