YOU
Posted Tuesday, May 1, 2012 // 0 comments (+)
I've really got no choice but to come here in the middle of the night posting this now. 
I kept on thinking what did I do wrong?
Just because you can't relate to my point of view, it became my fault?
I don't know why I feel that you're ridiculously selfish, you didn't spare a thought of how I felt all this while. I wonder what made me still believe we can at least salvage the friendship we have. I gave an option to be friends, it seems like you took away that option. Its only left with either we're together, or we'll end this once and for all. You told me your time is precious, so its my time. My time is precious too? So what if we're together? If it ended one day, we BOTH wasted our time. Be it your time is more precious or mine, we BOTH wasted it. In a relationship it takes two hands to clap, you told me that I'm someone that don't bother about anything and I'm selfish. If you remember the words you insulted me, how stupid, how pathetic I was.. and you mean it, I just wanna ask you why you're still here? If you're here because you love me. Why did you still treat me the same like other days? I told you to leave, but end up what I did? I was sick, I rang up the cafe and I still wanted to talk to you. No matter how much guilt and how much the scene was played back on my head on the 27th, I didn't put the blame on you, and I blame myself for it. And all you gave me was the smirk smile on your face. Sometimes things isn't funny, you find it funny. In your eyes, I'm stupid and stuff, all the negative comments you made on me. If you didn't know, I tell you now, it hurts me so bad and I'm very very upset. I like you, and I tried to take your nasty comments as a joke. I can take it as a joke the first time even when it hurts, second time, still fine.. But what if it continuously happen? I get angry, but I try to smile after that. I know you'd say that I hurt you too. I always mention that I'm sorry for the hurt I cause on you. I said I was not good enough for you, I insulted myself, and I cried.. I cried everytime because of the accusations, and the fear I have towards you, where were the you I know went to, and lastly.. will our friendship comes to an end if we make things ugly. I know you're perfectly fine of losing me as a friend, because in your eyes, I'm as good as nothing. Just because you feel for me, thats why you're still willing to stay by me this way. But its different for me, I take friends seriously.. And WE started out because we were once friends, I can't lose a friend that easily. As I always mention you were a good person in my eyes.. I don't know since when, you've turn into another person that I don't even know. We're always so near, but feel so far. The distant we have can never be measured. I know that if each chance I dial you up after a fight or when I ask you to leave, I'm giving you a chance to trampled me all over again. Because I know, the one that I know isn't here anymore. But still I don't wish to neglect my misses towards you, I dial you up. We met.. but what happened? We can never have a day without quarrel. You never lay your pride infront of me once, while for me.. I did. And I pathetically knelt down infront of you and cried. All the stuff that you've make me feel, its enough to sum up and hate you a zillion times. But I didn't. Even though I complain that you're not good and all, but I'm still here. Hoping that one day you'd understand exactly how much it hurts in this relationship.. It hurts not only me, but US. We might have a happy relationship if we didn't rush. We might not be quarreling now if we've take things slow.. It was wrong.. from the very first day I went over to your house.. It was not the sentence that I said that cause me in this state. Because I really don't wish you to leave. It was wrong because, we did it. If we didn't, by now we'd still be friends. Things will still be much more simpler... And of course, we'll be happier. As the days we're together, we've been quarreling every single day, WITHOUT fail. be it a big quarrel or a small ones.. we can never really spend a day without it. We both have strong character, we don't bow down, we don't admit.. but afterall, to you... I did, I did it to salvage.. to stop the quarrel and stuff. you didn't see the reason why did I insult myself till so worthless.. you feel that it was only right for me to do so. And I am so fine, as long as each time I can salvage it. Every night I fall asleep, I say to myself.. "Tomorrow will be a better day for us." The 'us' which refers to me and you. When I say that, I was hoping for you to change a little better, the faith I have in you was so strong, so as my belief towards you. What comes after that? Same old things happened.. You said that I'm always hiding.. Why will I open up to someone that I'm afraid, and why would I open up to someone that think that I'm useless and still waste his time on what I'm doing? I am so confuse with the actions and your words. When you grab onto my hand so tightly, when you pin me down on the sofa, when you make me so helpless and bite myself so hard on my hand.. ALL this don't hurt me so bad, because I know it heals. But the words that you said to me, is constantly on my mind.. It hurts me a million time, you make me feel so worthless as a human. You can choose to leave me if im that helpless like how you mention, but why did you said it infront of me? I've never said that you're useless, infact I always praise you, from the bottom of my heart. I only feel that you're emotionally weak, and thats it.. You might feel that saying all those things might agitate me and make me a better person. but it isn't going that way, you make me feel so inferior, so lousy, so sucky. You've hurt me emotionally so badly, and I can't imagine what you'd do to me next. You're always being paranoid of me doing this and that. If there isn't any trust, is there any love? People says, when there's trust, there's love. But you always tell me, you can't trust me.. I know, you're going to say its my action that makes you feel so. I am fine with it, because you're right. I've been hiding. Not hiding all those flirt stuffs, but hiding the privacy of me and my friends should have. Having a relationship don't means that I've to stop contacting my friend and end up losing my guy friends. Having a relationship don't mean to quarrel every single day and feel upset with each other and go to bed every single night with a fight. This is not a relationship that anyone will wish to have, not even ME & YOU. I'm still young, I might be immature.. You're old enough to know that whats right, whats wrong. And you'd have long know that this relationship is wrong right from the start. We didn't start out nicely.. at the very least.. we should end it nicely isn't it? I'm really sorry I'm such a girl that couldn't reach your expectation. I always give you insecurities, I was never understanding. I took you for granted and still hoping you to treat me good. But, I find that there isn't really a point to let us hold onto us as its really not working it out. You might not see it, but I seriously did try to salvage us.. in many ways but not directly enough that you might see it. Afterall, I know you're still a good man, and you'll always be in my heart. I thank you for loving me in a way that I can't relate whether it was love or was it a revenge that i've hurt you. In this blogpost, I did not re-read of what i type or edit, because I didn't want to. It's the first thing that i want to write in this post. It might offend you in many parts, but its just my point of views.. You might take it as nonsense, as you feels my words are most of the time. Either way, I will still let you read this. The very last thing that I've made up about us is that, lets end this before the worst come. If we could, we could start from scratch. but if we couldn't, i just hope that our friendship stays. My birthday coming in one day time, my wish stays the same.. I just want you to be happy.
Courage
Posted Thursday, February 9, 2012 // 0 comments (+)

Knowing that there wouldn't be a reply, I still took my courage to ask you out for valentine.
I'm afraid the night when I was about to sleep..
Layers and layers of memories often come at this timing.
I often think of the times where you were right by my side when I fall asleep, waking up by you disturbing. You're warmer than the sunshine outside the window pane every noon, yet the brightest moon in the night for me. Whenever I get to see the full-moon, I will think of the time where we kiss under the moonlight. I wish just for another kiss under the moonlight with no other one but you. Theres time where I woke up in the early morning feeling hungry, I remember that you'll order mac for me and we will eat it together. I miss the feeling of eating with you, I wish for a time where we can eat together again. In the night where you fell asleep, you'll take my hand to hug you and where you will kiss me on my forehead. I wish for another night that you will pull my hand over to hug you. I love the night where is so silent, but only hearing your breathe and sleepy face. I miss seeing your face in the night, and the pair of beautiful gently eyes in the morning. I wish to have another night where I get to see your sleepy face. When I see sweet couple together, I often think if you were here with me, I wouldn't have the need to envy sweet couple as we will be one. I miss the time where I'm playing with your hands and tell you how much I love your hands. Whenever I walked pass Gongcha, I will also think of the time where every time I see you, you'll be buying for me. I miss having Gongcha bought by you and the time where you accompany me at my workplace. Having my favourite drink with the one I love is one of the feeling I can rarely get. I miss that for once I went to find you when you were working, and we smoke and chatted at the branch, and eat double cheese burger with milo. Its also the night where you open up your arms when you saw me walking towards you. I miss taking pictures with you whenever I'm with you and hear you saying I got a fat face and even with my fat face, you still love me. I miss the one and only time where you blow my hair for me, and my hair was tangling everywhere yet you still patiently blow dry every strain hair of mine. I miss calls from you every now and than, when I just don't have to worry because you'll always be there. The day where my hamster running around and you were catching it, even though I know you don't really like to change for hamster, but you did it and seeing you playing with hamster were one of the cutest moment that might not be back again. Miss the time where I can't bear for you to leave when I'm going to work. The first time we took public transport which is a bus from Bugis to home. The day where I attend Jay birthday where you say I look nice. The day where we went prawning and you said to bring me go every week. The night where we drank and it was raining heavily yet the first time we kiss. The feeling where your soft lips touches mine where I wish for the time to stop moving. The one wish that I always have was to watch a movie on a sofa, we didn't as my house don't have a sofa. But we finish one complete show at home together. The time where we went to k-box and you singing song, and how much I was in love with your voice. Your voice always stays in my mind like a melody thats stuck on replay. I miss the time where I miss you and you will appear right before me if you could. I miss the one and only midnight where you ask me for reasons so as to ask you come to find me, and you came.
Even though is just a short 3 months relationship we had, but there were so much memorable memories with you. Everynight before I go to sleep, layers and layers of it just being replayed in my mind. It hurts so much so much knowing that it'll never be back. I don't really what I'm doing recently, but I just think of you in the night no matter what and without fail. Telling people I give up on you when I didn't even forget about you a single bit. I don't know when.. or how.. I will be able to forget you where I give in my best to, just hoping that we will make it through every obstacles. I am getting sick with the drama I'm acting all over and over again every single day. Actually deep inside me, I don't even want to give up on you. I still strongly believe you're worth the fight. I just love you so much, I don't wish to live another day by myself without you. It hasn't ended, I have not given up.
The reason
Posted Saturday, January 14, 2012 // 0 comments (+)
The reason I have to hold on till now.
I believe.
No matter how bad you mention of me to others, no matter how much stress when you're with me. I believe, you do know I've good points too. No matter how harsh you might get, I believe you don't mean it and it sure hurts you like I do. I believe you will one day get back to me because you promised you wouldn't leave, all you need is time. I believe every action you do now, you've got a reason behind it. I believe, all the things you do now might be the best of us. I believe you know I'm yearning for you to be back. I believe that you still have the faith in me that I'd change. I believe that you will accept me once again for all the wrong doings I've done. I believe you won't bid goodbye to me because you know I wouldn't want to say another goodbye. I believe every tears I shed is worth it for you, because it only goes to show how much it hurts when you're not around. I believe we'll be able to make through this obstacle. I believe we'll be able to build a future of our own with both our hands holding on not letting go. I believe the past makes us better in the future. I believe the bond in us wouldn't be able to tear us apart just like this. I believe so long as I try to be a good one, you will see it. I believe that our love won't turns to hate. I believe you will make me a happy girl once again.
I love you, J.
Difference
Posted Friday, January 13, 2012 // 0 comments (+)
Even though we're different in many ways, I hope you'll be able to love me.
J, I love you now and always will.
Why
Posted Thursday, January 12, 2012 // 0 comments (+)
Why is it this happening?
Why didn't you try to stand in my shoes for just 1 minute and feel the heart break in me?
Im sorry
Posted Wednesday, December 21, 2011 // 0 comments (+)
On this day 5-10-2011, I got together with you. When we got together, we knew very well we went on too fast. We didn't even get to each other well enough or anything and got together knowing each other for just days. We were willing to try and keep this going even though we know this might be the biggest problem later on. We were happy and things were going well till I use my own hands to destroy it. I often times let my anger got hold over me and use 'break up' as a solution for the situation. Due to this, I make you feel as unimportant to me. Still, you didn't give up on me and keep on trying to keep this relationship going. I took you for granted, I didn't say 'break up' once or twice but four times. You know well that when I'm upset, I wouldn't listen anything that you're going to say, you even talk to my friend and ask my friend to talk me out. Thinking back now, there isn't a need for you to do so, but you did. I know you definitely care about us when you went up to my friend asking for help. It did helped, but I didn't learn. I often times talk about D infront of you, and make you feel like you're the same like D. I didn't spare a thought of how you will feel for all the things about D when its not even related to us in any way. You will always say things as an reminder for me to stop my sayings about them, but I just didn't listen the main purpose of you saying and I goes on and on. I only know what went wrong after everything was about to end. Fortunately, we are still back as one. Even so, I know things will not be the same. Because of the world we both live in, I can never fit into yours. And now I see the biggest problem in between us. Your life is full of goals and achievement, while me leading my life aimlessly not knowing what I really want. That's why when I'm always looking for you, you'd tell me now that you're still serving your ns you can assure me, what about when you've finish serving and when you're working and studying. For this, I see myself being useless enough not being able to live up to your standard in life. I accept the fact that I will never be able to keep up to your standard in life. I'm just a girl with no goals in life but having fun all day. All man want a useful women behind their back. And I knew nothing but having fun with days. I'm not fit to claim that I love you too, I don't even know the basics of having a relationship that's mutual trust. I'm still being a immature girl, thinking that a good relationship were be as sweet as how it is in a movie. That the boy will be there all the time and anything that a boy should do. But in reality, relationship can't be that wonderful. I don't wish that its that wonderful, but at the very least I can be as understanding as the girl in a movie. But I can't, I know I will only be a burden staying right beside you. I'm really sorry.
Xiao xiao gui
Posted Monday, December 19, 2011 // 0 comments (+)
Xiao xiao gui, I miss you.
I got you from a pet shop at Bugis.
I chose you personally cuz you were very active in the place, you ran about and you were so small. Its somehow love at first sight.
I asked for assistant to pick you up for me.
And I bought the stuff that's needed for you.
One thing I regretted was I don't have enough cash to buy a bigger cage for you.
But I was about to do so soon, and to get a partner for you too.
After I got you, I promised myself, I will treat you right.
We went home together in a long journey by walking from Bugis to my house. I place you on a chair and I told my grandma not to place you on the floor.
You were active as usual, running on the wheel.
I held you up, and told you 'Hi, my uncle call me xiao gui. But since you're smaller than me, I'd name you xiaoxiaogui. I'm going to work, see you in the night.' I gave you a kiss and placed you back into the cage.
And when I came back, you started to go to second level of the cage. I got a feel that you'll trying to impress me that you went up to second level using the slide.
And I praise you for it too.
So, I wanted to play audi. I pulled the chair and place you right next to me. So I played, when my game ended or so I will take a look at you.
A fact that I don't deny, time pass..
I don't pull you next to me when I'm playing my games. Often times, I delayed the time of changing bedding for you. And I forgot to change water even though I put food for you.
But still, I wanted to take care of you sweet little thing.
I bring myself to do what I'm suppose to do for you.
Last night, I reached home. I place food for you again and you were still running on the wheel.
I went to sleep, thinking that you'll still be there running when I wake up, cuz you always did that. Didn't really spend much time with you recently.
Today I woke up, I didn't saw you running on the wheel. I went over and saw that you were solid put under the slide. As you were very alert, I know you'd wake up if I flick at the cage. And I did, but you stay put still. I panicked and I started to call out for your name, still you didn't wake up. I know you've left, definitely. I open up the cage, hoping you'd run out of it and play hide and seek with me again. Even if it was tiring playing with you, I still love the feeling when I caught you in the end of it. I really didn't expect you will be gone, so soon.
My grandma told me to throw you away, I didn't want to. I wishing for you to open your eyes and run cuz you know I'd praise you again if you do that. Ended up, my grandma threw you down the rubbish dump. I can't accept the fact that you're gone xiao gui. And all I can think of was to get another one thats identical to you and bring back home again. So I did, I bought a new one. I placed it in the cage, I stood there for awhile looking at it. It might looks the same like you, but definitely its not. I feel so different now, and I wonder did I make a wrong move to get a new one to deny the fact that you're gone?
And after awhile looking around in the cage, he stood still where you stood this morning under the slide without moving. So, I flick at the cage and he moved. At the very least, he did move. And I'm happy about it. Xiao gui, even though I got him now but I still misses you as always.
The difference between you and him is the feeling I have towards you both individually.
I'm sorry I didn't spend much time with you.
Rest in peace, xxg.
Boyish looking Princess


Ee Eng


Josiah

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Cynthia Luvs